In His Hands

There is no better way to describe how our family feels right now. Allow me to explain...

As most of you know, pregnancy is not easy for us. It takes a major toll on the emotional well being of our family. When we were pregnant with Ryan we made the responsible decision to state that I would never be pregnant again. To describe me as "sick" during those nine months is pretty much an understatement. Needles, IVs, PIC lines, nurses in and out of my home and frequent trips to the ceramic throne each day made it very difficult for me to parent, forcing us to rely quite often on the help of others. My mom practically lived with us, Logan was sent away a few times to stay with Jeff's parents and Jeff missed way more work than he ever should have to. With my doctor's opinion taken into account, we know that my body just really shouldn't go through that again. All of the women that say pregnancy is beautiful... ugh, ladies, I'm so jealous.

But anyway, a few months back, Jeff and I listened to a sermon series by David Platt titled Radical. It was LIFE CHANGING! We have been following a blog and getting encouragement from this family. They introduced us to the Radical series, we read the book and seriously, it has changed the way we look at almost every situation that we encounter. That 8+hours of preaching was just crazy! It made us take a total evaluation of what kind of "Christian" life we are living here and really caused us to start praying and seeking how God wants us to better be serving His Kingdom....

-with our money
-with our time
-with our energy
-with our priorities
-with our things

It started with money... and my husband is an accountant, so you can only imagine the fun he's had doing the number crunching! haha! A cash budget is a little different and can be a challenge when you really evaluate your "needs" versus your "wants." Yes, we need diapers and formula, but do I need that new pair of flip flops when I have 4 pair in my closet? I'm sure you can all relate. And the tough thing is, it's not that we don't have the money... it's being more obedient as a Godly steward of that money... giving more away, spending less on ourselves, feeding the poor, reaching out to a needy neighbor. I'm not trying to be on a pedestal here announcing how good we are to be making these changes. Instead, I am acknowledging how we were doing it so wrong and how God is working on us to do better.

Really, I didn't consider the percentage of how much we gave to furthering God's kingdom... my thoughts were always on the shopping that needed to be done for our home, the home that God blessed us with and the kids that He has given us... clothes, toys, books, etc.

I mean, it does matter to God that my home is well taken care of, that I take pride in what He's blessed us with, right?
And the boys... shouldn't I take pride in the blessing they are and make sure I present them well, dressing them in the best? That is what our culture teaches, isn't it?

But then you listen to the Radical series and you re-think how you are treating those blessings and how much others in this world are doing without. You evaluate those needs more than you really want to!

Let's just say there have been a lot of changes... a lot given away and the attempt to reduce the amount of "stuff" I feel the need to possess. It's a very humbling thing to stand in your closet, living room, bedrooms, and realize that you have so much and have taken it for granted for too long.

And then came God's big news. With seeking and prayer and a real look at scripture, we believe that God is asking us to take care of the orphan. No one can deny that scripture tells us to take care of the poor, the widow and the orphan... but then came the question of how.

Give money to organizations that care for the orphan? or really trust our God and realize that we have the love, the money, the room, the ability, (all those things that HE has given us) to do more than just give the money to someone else??? I have always said that I'd like adopt later in life, when our kids are older, and teach them about the needs of others and opening our home to the less fortunate.

Then God said, "Why wait?"

Hmm... Why wait???

1. I have a 6 month old (that's how old Ryan was when this process started!).
2. I have a 3 1/2 year old that is still adjusting to a new sibling and I don't want to mess with how good that's been.
3. I have fibromyalgia, two kids is already a lot of work and I haven't been feeling my best.
4. I want things (there it is again... that desire to have more than I need! ugh!) first.
5. I like that my kids are 3 years apart and think it's crazy to have two so close together.

There are a lot of reasons that I could come up with why now is not the time to do this, but then there is that true knowing that He is asking us to do this... now! He has promised in His Word that obedience brings blessings, that He does not call us to do easy things, but to do as He asks, in His name.

We could say no... but who wants to live with such discontent to know that you are not doing His will. I mean really, think about the times that you didn't take the advice of your parent... you did your own thing and the whole time you're praying that it works out so that your parent doesn't say "I told you so." Well, this is GOD speaking... imagine the anxiety we'd feel living, knowing that we were being disobedient to our creator, the one who loves us, created us and has now asked this of us... I don't want that!

So, that's our big news.
Our family is about to grow...
without me having to be pregnant!

In March, Jeff and I began the process with Arrow to go through the foster-to-adopt program. We feel that though there are options to go straight adoption and spend the money it takes to get a child from another country or through an agency here in the US, there are also children, right here, that need homes filled with Christ's presence. We want God to use us, to be one of those homes where a baby can come and be shown love and patience and grace, and hopefully become a part of our family. We are in the process, taking classes and being informed about what is to come for us. This is a Christian organization that works as the middle man between us and CPS (Child Protective Services). They will work on our behalf so that when a child is in need of foster care, with the looks that they will one day be adoptable and their parents' rights will be terminated, they will contact us and possibly place that child in our home.

We pray to God that he would bring us this baby and allow us to later keep and adopt them, because the idea of losing that baby and having to give them back to that inadequate parent is going to be very challenging and I'm not sure I'd like it! Really, I try not to think about it. And when people ask me, "How are you going to handle that?" my reply is, "Only with God by my side and knowing that He is sovereign and that His plan is perfect and in trusting that He has called us to this work, at this time, and His will shall be done!"

Trust me, I know that those words are easier said than done... and let's not even get started about how Logan (and Ryan too!) will react if we have to give back a baby that he grows to love. Really, I can't imagine that and I cannot focus on the worst case scenario and allow Satan to bombard me with more reasons why we should not do this! So please, just pray for us in this journey and don't talk to me about all the things that could go wrong! :-)

We will be fully certified come the end of this month. That means that any time after we are certified, we can be called with options, and we simply say yes or no to the child they offer us. Right now, we are thinking that we will get through Ryan's first birthday, allowing that week to just be about him, and then we will "open our phone lines" to the Arrow office and go from there. We would like a baby, younger than Ryan, and do not plan on taking a child with any major health issues. Realizing how young Ryan still is, we need to be responsible about the choice we make. The suggestion from the agency is that if your gut tells you to say no, then say no... the time will come though that God will direct us to say yes, and at that time we will be adding another baby to our home!

This is weird for me!
I am a type-A planner, a little bit obsessed with details and the idea of not knowing how, who, when is a little nerve racking! My husband is calm as can be (or so it seems!) and I'm trying to move Logan's room, get rid of furniture, buy more furniture and plan where this baby is going to go and how its room will look.
Boy? Girl? Exact age? We don't know.
It's not like having a baby... knowing the due date, the sex, having showers and everyone getting excited around you, imagining what they're going to look like, if they'll look like their siblings? A lot of things go through my mind that I just think, seriously, I cannot take this "not knowing" anymore! So, I say to Jeff...

Let's specify a sex... that will at least allow me to decorate appropriately.

Do you hear how silly that sounds? God is probably laughing at me as I consider the decoration to be important and He is just asking us to open our doors and go from there. Does a newborn baby really care where they are sleeping and if their room is done the minute they get laid in their crib? These are mundane details that usually really matter to me, and God is working on my priorities as I trust Him through this process!

Choosing a sex is silly to me... we wouldn't get to choose if we are pregnant, so we are going to let God handle that in this situation too!

Please pray for us as we enter this journey of God's calling. I have never in my life really felt God asking me to do something with such strong conviction. I have never been so close to God and really known that His desires are being made known.

It's weird.
It's awesome.
It's lovely.
It's scary.
It's enlightening.

It's changing me!

I know that our blog is usually just a place that I document (like a scrapbook) what is going on with our kids and how our weeks go by, but from this point on, I'd like to share this adoption experience with you. We don't go into this lightly, believing that the only thing to come of this will be another baby in our home. There will be challenges, many that I won't even be allowed to write about on such a public forum as this. I won't be able to really display pictures of this sweet baby in the ways that I do my two boys, but don't worry, I will share as much as I can!
There will be sad times and happy times and peaceful times and frustrating times. As we foster and we enter the unknown, our faith is in our God, the one who created each of us and has an eternal plan for this family we are building. We believe in His sovereignty and His faithfulness and we press on, knowing that this decision is not one that has been made lightly and that our family is "In His Hands!"